i think i have two assholes
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize