I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
