it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
