All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
