I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize