My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
