The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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