It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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