take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
