It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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