Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
