apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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