I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
