she was so not down for the gang bang
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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