I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
