I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
