I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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