So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
