The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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