Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Randomize
