Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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