Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
we should paint friendship bongs
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