i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
