I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
