Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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