and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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