You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
