my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize