I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
