I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I think a kid would responsible me up
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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