tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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