I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
