My first STD was from a foam party
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
