we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
