Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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