The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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