I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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