He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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