The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
