dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
