She is in my trunk
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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