Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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