she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Still dying that you shit outside
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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