We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
