Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize