dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
