dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
