apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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