Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
