I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
