I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
