Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Is Oprah even human
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
