she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
