I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize