guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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