Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
