Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I wish I could teleport
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Randomize
