Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
