totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize