Pappa wants mamma naked
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
