i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
