He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize