you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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