You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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