I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
