I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
