Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
