Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
