I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
