apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
